Lately. I’ve been struggling to keep up on what I find important in life. I don’t know if it’s the darkness that has struck a little bit harder than usual or if it’s grief from having another miscarriage. Whatever the reason tiredness and the inability of doings have seemed difficult to sustain.
In a state like this I feel emotionally numb, but also weak. I take small things too seriously, I feel little and helpless. It’s like I’ve forgotten what I like to do, my goals and interests. I want to seriously ”throw in the towel” as we say in Sweden. But doing so would really be going against everything I’ve worked for.
The moon has been super big, when it’s cold and the moon is shining and the trees are glittering it’s truly magical.
Right now I’m reading a book that will have a big impact on my life for sure, it´s in Swedish and written by Kajsa Ingemarsson and it’s called To follow the way of the heart (hjärtats väg my translation). In this book which is the third and last in a series of books about creativity, intuition, mysticism, healing and to follow your inner voice. All three have started a significant journey for me, after years of guarding my protective wall I’m slowly putting it down brick by brick. I’ve always been looking after myself had to grow up early. But I’ve also found it difficult to let people into my life, afraid of being hurt and let down. And being an introvert doesn’t make it easier. I have a baggage that I’ve been carrying around for many years, a baggage I now feel it’s time to let go. And in the book I’m reading it mentions something about when you are in progress you might find yourself feeling lost and empty but that this is natural as you are getting closer to your true self.
I’m not sure where I’m heading but as I learn to follow the voice of my heart I move towards the self I so long have waited for. It is in no way an easy path and I’m sure I will want to ”throw in the towel” many more times. But I also know that it is part of the journey. I will follow the light trough the darkness.
Unfortunately as I mentioned we had to go trough another miscarriage. This was now the third in two years and I can honestly say I didn’t think the odds could go against us. But they did. Once again I had to remove it under anaesthetic, which is a very unpleasant feeling and it can cause scars inside the womb. The feeling of knowing someone’s been inside you when you where sleeping is hard to let go.
Needless to say I’ve come to realise that we might not be able to do it on our own. However much I wanted it to happen naturally we will now look into the possibility of doing it at a clinic. I’m turning 40 next year so time is against me.
But I also feel ok with the decision; it is worth a try after all.
Next week it is Christmas. The first in our house and the first in many years I’ve felt I want to do Christmas all in. We got a tree from our backyard, I’ve made lots of decorations, been playing proper X-mas music on Spotify. Hubby and I will also spend it together for the first time, which I’m looking forward to.
So this was my first attempt in writing on the blog for over a month. It felt good. And I will try to keep up from now.